Tuesday, December 20, 2005
The Sperm Sample Story
OK this is about the funniest fucking story you're ever going to hear. My wife and I have been trying to have a baby for about 2 years now, and back when we first started this whole baby thing. I suggested that she may have some internal shit going on that's causing her not to get pregnant. She of course flipped the whole thing around by telling me that 80% of the time (GOD DAM FUCKING MEDICAL WEBSITES) it was the Male's sperm count that causes the problem. I in-turn told her that I had "super sperm" and there's no need for testing. So she made an appointment with her OBGYN for the both of us anyway, because GOD FORBID I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!! He in turn said I should go get tested first, (LIKE THE FUCKING MEDICAL WEBSITE SAID) because it was the least invasive test then any of the female tests that had to be performed. So me, (putting my finger to my cheek and thinking back to the movie "ROAD TRIP") said "OK I'll take one for the team", and agreed to do the sperm test. So the doctor writes a scripted for the test and off we go. Mind you, this was the middle of March in New York a very pleasant time. So the "Mule" (which will refer to my Wife when I am blogging) calls the sperm place and makes an appointment. Now because of over testing by doctors that use HMO to maximize profits, and avoid lawsuits, my wife can't get an appointment until the third week in May. So now with visions of "ROAD TRIP" still dancing in my head I have to wait like 6 weeks to drop my load for the good of all mankind. MAY is finally here, I notice that this day was exceptional nice very sunny and very seasonally FUCKING HOT, and I distinctly remember putting the A/C on full blast. The appointment is set for 4PM one day during the week, and all day the anticipation is building (visions of "ROAD TRIP" still dancing in my head) to the point that at 3:30PM I forgot to tell anyone I had to leave work early.
So the whole drive over I am thinking I wonder how much cum they're going to need? I never gave a sample before! (visions of "ROAD TRIP" still dancing in my head) I couldn't stop thinking "boy I'm glad I didn't get the chance to rub one out in the last 2 days? Or was it 3, I can't remember. So as I park my car ,and started making way to what seemed like a long walk in the still blazing sun at 4pm to the front door, I notice with the wipe of my left hand little beads of sweat on my chin. So as I walk through the office door is seams much cooler almost safe to say that the A/C was on. As I glanced around the room I thought to myself that the decor was off a little bit, (visions of "ROAD TRIP" still kind of dancing in my head) I thought I was in the wrong place! It was a small waiting area that was about 20x16, with plan hard plastic chairs that were bolted together and then to the floor. The walls were a dirty white color, and the floor was the peal and stick vinyl kind. I noticed a sign that said "Enzi Labs" over a reception window, that looked like it belonged at a 24 hour Taco Bell joint.
So I see the receptionist and she tells me to have a seat. The visions of "ROAD TRIP" dancing in my head are now starting to fade away, but I'm still thinking there's got to be a plush room in the back with a hot Sperm Nurse (that's her title) is anxiously awaiting my arrival. Five minutes goes by then ten, then 15. 22 minutes in the lobby I hear something that should not be heard right before a man is about to rub one out in a cup.
And that is: "MOMMY I NEED SOMETHING TO DRINK" said the 3 year old girl to her mother in a very loud but very whinny voice. Yes everyone there's a 3 year little girl with her very very heavy set and unattractive (NON MILF) mother now sitting in the lobby. I kept thinking, "why is she even here, and why would she bring her little girl to a place like this? About 4 minutes later I heard my name being called as the tops of double split doors swung open (picture the Wizard Of Oz) and I see 3, not one but 3, count them, one, two, three, very HOT, very young (24ish), very amazingly sexy, Nurses. So up I jumped, and skipped over to MY three very young hot Nurses for what I thought (HEY!!! A MAN CAN DREAM)might be a 4 way. At the same time the panic button had been set off inside me, and by the time I got to the doors the sweat on my chin had returned, because all I could think about is I really have to FILL THIS CUP, as not to embarrass myself in front of these HOT CHICKS. "Are you Bluto?” one of them asked, "why yes I am". "Great, please sign here and initial here" she says, so I do it, "OK thanks and here's your cup, the bathroom is over there, as she points to the waiting room restroom”. Yes, I know where the restroom is" I said I don't have to go now. Well she starts to tell me how that's where I'm going to "extract" (RUB ONE OUT) the sample. I said “are you kidding me", "no" she says, ”yes you are" I said. Wait!!! "Don’t you have like a special room in the back with DVDs, magazines, and a girl that can hit the "SPOT" if I need her to"? She says "Oh no we're not that kind of place we're just a Lab". OK, it was at that moment in time I realized what the mule was trying to tell me by saying it was just a LAB. It was also around that time I realized that the A/C was not on and it was just way cooler inside then the 89 degrees it was outside.
So being the STUD (in my mind) that I think I am. I make my way over to the LOBBY restroom. I can see the little 3 year old girl in the lobby throwing her juice container and running around to pick it up and doing it all over again. As I look across the room I notice there's only one door and all it says is "Bathroom". As I open this door I start to realize that not only has the "ROAD TRIP" vision left my head I'm realizing that I'm in HELL and the Mule put me here.
Because this bathroom was like the kind you find in a hospital room when you are checking in to a room because you need to stay overnight. It's very big very bright, and the walls are paper thin with nothing, but a bowl (with no lid) and a sink. So I start looking around for anything to base my "extraction" on, but there ain't a fucking thing, not a magazine, a book, hell I would have even taken a medical brochure at that point. There wasn't even a fucking poster on the wall with a girl on it, where’s a Budweiser poster when you need one. So the last image I have in my head of any female is the over weight lady in the lobby with her 3 year old girl throwing her bottle around.
There's not even a place to set any of the shit I have like the sperm cup, my tie, or the paper work the receptionist gave me. So five minutes go by my pants have fallen to the floor I'm leaning up against the wall with my left arm and working shit out of my Johnson with my right, and my dress shirt keeps getting in the way. So I’m pulling on my Johnson, slapping it around, rubbing my nuts. The whole time I'm trying to work the situation out in my head, "how the hell I'm I going to get this done"? I've been thinking about all the hot experiences I've had in my life time to get this fucking thing hard. I tried thinking about all the crazy times the Mule and I had crazy sex, but i was to pissed off at her because as far as i was concerned she was the DEVIL, because it's her fault I'm in this FUCKING mess. so move on to old girlfriends and I get to a point were I am starting to get a little lift off. All of a sudden out of no were and threw the paper thin walls I hear, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY", "I have to go potty". I had just got to a point where my hand could get a full stroke on my Johnson when torcher starts. First the door handle moves several times, next comes the incisive banging, which fucking echoed like being in the Grand fucking Canyon because the bathroom was so big. Now I didn't say a fucking word, I’m thinking maybe they'll be smart enough to realize that there's someone in the FUCKING bathroom? At this point I'm just trying to get this done I have been in there for what seemed like 2 hours (15 Min's) and I was just getting to the point where I might have to grab the cup. Now the knocks come again and again, the word "FUCK " is constantly being repeated in my head, because I start to feel my 93% Woody start to go soft, and if I don't say something I'm going to lose the whole fucking thing. So I shout "someones IN here", ”MOMMY, I HAVE TO GO POTTY MOMMY" I hear from the 3 year old RIGHT OUTSIDE THE FUCKING DOOR. "OK honey come here", there's silence for a moment and the knocks come harder and louder, and I know it’s the FUCKING fat Bitch that brought that little Monster. So I said it again (because i must have said it in Spanish the first time) "SOMEONE IS IN HERE, DAM", very sternly. Now she wants to have a full blow conversation on how much longer I think i will be? And in my life if you would have told me one day I would be in a bathroom, with DICK in hand, having a conversation with a fat ugly mother try to get her 3 year old daughter in to go POTTY!!! I would have said your CRAZY and bet the house on that and I would have lost. So the mother is telling me through the door "I think you've been in there long enough and what you are doing is RUDE", little did she know. so i say nothing and continue to jerk my Johnson, "do you know how much longer you're going to be?" she says, "A little while longer" I say, "well I have a little girl that have to go to the bathroom" she says, "I kinda of figured that" I say, "OK if you can please hurry" she says, "OK I'm trying" I said. NOW forgetting the fact that my fucking dick is as dead as a door nail by now! I have a bigger problems, at this point the fucking fat bitch and 3 year old are in my head, and there here to stay, and oh my DICK is all chafed and RED due to all the excessive jerking, and did I mention the soap in the bathroom was made of powder. So at that point I needed to sit down. So I take a seat on the bowl with no lid and I did what any man would have done by now. I rolled up my sleeves and started the whole process all over again. Fifteen minutes later I'm to the point that I'm going to blow, and at his point I don't even care about how much cum I get out let alone filling the fucking cup. I just wanted to get done and get the hell out of there. So here it comes all that work and it’s about to pay off, and BAM I get about three drops which most of I had to scrap off my shaft, but I didn't give a fuck at that point. I got my pathetic sample, and I just wanted to get the hell out of there.
So I start to clean up and realize I have been sweating so bad that my shirt was so drenched with sweat it's see through. So here I am walking out of the bathroom with a specimen cup that was still clear in color, my shirt soaking wet that you could see my nipples, one tail of it hanging out, and I'm beat red from the heat. As I opened the door I notice that the lobby has gotten full with people wait to give whatever the fuck they came there for, and the looks I'm getting from people would be enough to drive the sanest man straight to the bar.
I hand off my sample to the hot 24ish tech behind the Wizard of Oz doors, apologized for the peddle little amount I was able to muster up and ran the hell out of there. So the moral of this story is: never ever ever go to a FUCKING LAB to give a sperm sample. Always do the deed at home and bring it to them within one hour of "extraction", and you'll be much better off and would avoid all the therapy I needed after that very unforgettable day.
By the way it was like I said, I have” super sperm" and the problem lied with the mule.
So the whole drive over I am thinking I wonder how much cum they're going to need? I never gave a sample before! (visions of "ROAD TRIP" still dancing in my head) I couldn't stop thinking "boy I'm glad I didn't get the chance to rub one out in the last 2 days? Or was it 3, I can't remember. So as I park my car ,and started making way to what seemed like a long walk in the still blazing sun at 4pm to the front door, I notice with the wipe of my left hand little beads of sweat on my chin. So as I walk through the office door is seams much cooler almost safe to say that the A/C was on. As I glanced around the room I thought to myself that the decor was off a little bit, (visions of "ROAD TRIP" still kind of dancing in my head) I thought I was in the wrong place! It was a small waiting area that was about 20x16, with plan hard plastic chairs that were bolted together and then to the floor. The walls were a dirty white color, and the floor was the peal and stick vinyl kind. I noticed a sign that said "Enzi Labs" over a reception window, that looked like it belonged at a 24 hour Taco Bell joint.
So I see the receptionist and she tells me to have a seat. The visions of "ROAD TRIP" dancing in my head are now starting to fade away, but I'm still thinking there's got to be a plush room in the back with a hot Sperm Nurse (that's her title) is anxiously awaiting my arrival. Five minutes goes by then ten, then 15. 22 minutes in the lobby I hear something that should not be heard right before a man is about to rub one out in a cup.
And that is: "MOMMY I NEED SOMETHING TO DRINK" said the 3 year old girl to her mother in a very loud but very whinny voice. Yes everyone there's a 3 year little girl with her very very heavy set and unattractive (NON MILF) mother now sitting in the lobby. I kept thinking, "why is she even here, and why would she bring her little girl to a place like this? About 4 minutes later I heard my name being called as the tops of double split doors swung open (picture the Wizard Of Oz) and I see 3, not one but 3, count them, one, two, three, very HOT, very young (24ish), very amazingly sexy, Nurses. So up I jumped, and skipped over to MY three very young hot Nurses for what I thought (HEY!!! A MAN CAN DREAM)might be a 4 way. At the same time the panic button had been set off inside me, and by the time I got to the doors the sweat on my chin had returned, because all I could think about is I really have to FILL THIS CUP, as not to embarrass myself in front of these HOT CHICKS. "Are you Bluto?” one of them asked, "why yes I am". "Great, please sign here and initial here" she says, so I do it, "OK thanks and here's your cup, the bathroom is over there, as she points to the waiting room restroom”. Yes, I know where the restroom is" I said I don't have to go now. Well she starts to tell me how that's where I'm going to "extract" (RUB ONE OUT) the sample. I said “are you kidding me", "no" she says, ”yes you are" I said. Wait!!! "Don’t you have like a special room in the back with DVDs, magazines, and a girl that can hit the "SPOT" if I need her to"? She says "Oh no we're not that kind of place we're just a Lab". OK, it was at that moment in time I realized what the mule was trying to tell me by saying it was just a LAB. It was also around that time I realized that the A/C was not on and it was just way cooler inside then the 89 degrees it was outside.
So being the STUD (in my mind) that I think I am. I make my way over to the LOBBY restroom. I can see the little 3 year old girl in the lobby throwing her juice container and running around to pick it up and doing it all over again. As I look across the room I notice there's only one door and all it says is "Bathroom". As I open this door I start to realize that not only has the "ROAD TRIP" vision left my head I'm realizing that I'm in HELL and the Mule put me here.
Because this bathroom was like the kind you find in a hospital room when you are checking in to a room because you need to stay overnight. It's very big very bright, and the walls are paper thin with nothing, but a bowl (with no lid) and a sink. So I start looking around for anything to base my "extraction" on, but there ain't a fucking thing, not a magazine, a book, hell I would have even taken a medical brochure at that point. There wasn't even a fucking poster on the wall with a girl on it, where’s a Budweiser poster when you need one. So the last image I have in my head of any female is the over weight lady in the lobby with her 3 year old girl throwing her bottle around.
There's not even a place to set any of the shit I have like the sperm cup, my tie, or the paper work the receptionist gave me. So five minutes go by my pants have fallen to the floor I'm leaning up against the wall with my left arm and working shit out of my Johnson with my right, and my dress shirt keeps getting in the way. So I’m pulling on my Johnson, slapping it around, rubbing my nuts. The whole time I'm trying to work the situation out in my head, "how the hell I'm I going to get this done"? I've been thinking about all the hot experiences I've had in my life time to get this fucking thing hard. I tried thinking about all the crazy times the Mule and I had crazy sex, but i was to pissed off at her because as far as i was concerned she was the DEVIL, because it's her fault I'm in this FUCKING mess. so move on to old girlfriends and I get to a point were I am starting to get a little lift off. All of a sudden out of no were and threw the paper thin walls I hear, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY", "I have to go potty". I had just got to a point where my hand could get a full stroke on my Johnson when torcher starts. First the door handle moves several times, next comes the incisive banging, which fucking echoed like being in the Grand fucking Canyon because the bathroom was so big. Now I didn't say a fucking word, I’m thinking maybe they'll be smart enough to realize that there's someone in the FUCKING bathroom? At this point I'm just trying to get this done I have been in there for what seemed like 2 hours (15 Min's) and I was just getting to the point where I might have to grab the cup. Now the knocks come again and again, the word "FUCK " is constantly being repeated in my head, because I start to feel my 93% Woody start to go soft, and if I don't say something I'm going to lose the whole fucking thing. So I shout "someones IN here", ”MOMMY, I HAVE TO GO POTTY MOMMY" I hear from the 3 year old RIGHT OUTSIDE THE FUCKING DOOR. "OK honey come here", there's silence for a moment and the knocks come harder and louder, and I know it’s the FUCKING fat Bitch that brought that little Monster. So I said it again (because i must have said it in Spanish the first time) "SOMEONE IS IN HERE, DAM", very sternly. Now she wants to have a full blow conversation on how much longer I think i will be? And in my life if you would have told me one day I would be in a bathroom, with DICK in hand, having a conversation with a fat ugly mother try to get her 3 year old daughter in to go POTTY!!! I would have said your CRAZY and bet the house on that and I would have lost. So the mother is telling me through the door "I think you've been in there long enough and what you are doing is RUDE", little did she know. so i say nothing and continue to jerk my Johnson, "do you know how much longer you're going to be?" she says, "A little while longer" I say, "well I have a little girl that have to go to the bathroom" she says, "I kinda of figured that" I say, "OK if you can please hurry" she says, "OK I'm trying" I said. NOW forgetting the fact that my fucking dick is as dead as a door nail by now! I have a bigger problems, at this point the fucking fat bitch and 3 year old are in my head, and there here to stay, and oh my DICK is all chafed and RED due to all the excessive jerking, and did I mention the soap in the bathroom was made of powder. So at that point I needed to sit down. So I take a seat on the bowl with no lid and I did what any man would have done by now. I rolled up my sleeves and started the whole process all over again. Fifteen minutes later I'm to the point that I'm going to blow, and at his point I don't even care about how much cum I get out let alone filling the fucking cup. I just wanted to get done and get the hell out of there. So here it comes all that work and it’s about to pay off, and BAM I get about three drops which most of I had to scrap off my shaft, but I didn't give a fuck at that point. I got my pathetic sample, and I just wanted to get the hell out of there.
So I start to clean up and realize I have been sweating so bad that my shirt was so drenched with sweat it's see through. So here I am walking out of the bathroom with a specimen cup that was still clear in color, my shirt soaking wet that you could see my nipples, one tail of it hanging out, and I'm beat red from the heat. As I opened the door I notice that the lobby has gotten full with people wait to give whatever the fuck they came there for, and the looks I'm getting from people would be enough to drive the sanest man straight to the bar.
I hand off my sample to the hot 24ish tech behind the Wizard of Oz doors, apologized for the peddle little amount I was able to muster up and ran the hell out of there. So the moral of this story is: never ever ever go to a FUCKING LAB to give a sperm sample. Always do the deed at home and bring it to them within one hour of "extraction", and you'll be much better off and would avoid all the therapy I needed after that very unforgettable day.
By the way it was like I said, I have” super sperm" and the problem lied with the mule.
I am an Uncle
Ok everyone I am an Uncle. His name is Alex and he is quite the little man. He loves to crawl and pull my hair.
He currently lives in PA and is almost 2 years old.
My First Posting
Ok, Bluto has his own blog. Can't promise the spelling is going to be right or that it's going to make sense to anyone. But I can tell you that it should be pretty funny. Oh no comments about my spelling, unfortunately my highly intellectual brain works a hell of a lot faster then my fingers. So if it aint spelled right fuck it and figure it out biatch.
